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Hamster Bloke
Also known as: @thisgraypath, Doug Rattmann. a great Hope fell- you heard no noise- the ruin was within- oh cunning wreck that told no tale- and let no witness in The Hamster Bloke is a shadowy figure who periodically bewilders the Prime Minister with 'bonkers emails' and enigmatic appearances. He appears to have some kind of serious grievance or point to make. S'adly, so far he has been totally unable to communicate this to the less-than-quick-on-the-uptake PM. He is actually Douglas Rattmann, a former freelance journalist w'h'ose reputation was destroyed after he got too close to a few of Her secrets. He suffers from schizophrenia and is obsessed with uncovering Her corruption of the government and deeper plans for Wheatley's administration. Doug first met Wheatley on the eve of his election. He attempted to persuade the PM-to-be to give up the candidacy and walk away, thereby foiling Her plans for the country, but Wheatley ignored his warning. Caroline was not pleased by Doug's interference, and the incident hastened the cancellation of his weekly Guardian opinion column, the Companion- and the eventual destruction of his reputation and career. The PM has yet to mak'e the connection between this meeting, his 'Hamster Bloke', the confusing emails piling up in his inbox, and the fate of the Companion. It's possible that someone might help him join the dots. He's fairly protective of the secret as it stands, a little afraid to tell Her about any incidents, since it would mean explaining the whole thing (and possibly Bad Things for 'Hamster Bloke,' as even PM Wheatley is occasionally capable of foresight and empathy) At one point, Doug managed to convey a handwritten message to the PM during a confrontation on Westminster Bridge. It consisted of the phrase 'JOHNSON 1955' followed by a series of numbers. Rubit, Pinali, Simstars and others examined the code and discovered that it was based on the numerical system applied to Emily Dickinson's poems by Thomas H. Johnson in 1955- each line referring to the poem and word number respectively. When translated, the message read 'Angel south bound Sunday one am.' Three months later, Wheatley became aware of the solution (from Pinali's tweet) and went to meet his mysterious correspondent. Caroline was also informed, and showed up to catch Doug in the act and put a stop to the PM's investigation. As it turned out, Doug never intended to meet the PM, and instead used the opportunity to get a photo of Wheatley alone with Caroline. He sent the photos straight to his remaining contacts, and several major newspapers ran the story and photograph. As a result, Wheatley is now extremely hostile and suspicious of the elusive 'Hamster Bloke.' Doug's attempt to get the country to realise that the PM is under Her control was less than successful, however, with the press and public instead seizing onto the idea that Wheatley has a secret girlfriend. Twitter Mentions *Crazy morning! Woken up at 4AM by b'i'''nmen. For horrible moment thought I was back in old flat in Broomhill. Urgh. Anyway, racket went on for AGES, plus got worse, like a hippo attacking a pile of baking tins, so eventually I got up and opened the window. (3/1/12) *Was not binmen or hippo. Was this weird, shifty-looking bloke, all on his own, going through the skip. Awkward moment, to say the least. We stared at each other for a bit, then he took off, hugging bag of what looked like ham's'ter bedding. I know! Mad, right? I didn't even know No.10 had a hamster! (3/1/12) *Still, he was a good runner, will say that for him. Gone in a flash. More like- less than half a flash, really. Gone in a fl. Anyway, was still v. tired & fairly confused, so did the sensible thing, shut windo'w''' and went back to bed. Woke up at saner time to complete chaos! Police all over the place, Her Nibs striding about, laying into chief of staff, checking CCTV, etc. (3/1/12) *Turns out, this unidentified intruder got in over the wall last night & made off with some v. sensitive material! Terrifying! They've got no idea who he w'a'''s, either. Somehow dodged all the cameras, nobody got a proper look at him. Man alive, she is FURIOUS. Best not to mention skip incident. She's got enough on her plate with this mystery terrorist, doesn't need to worry about hamster bloke too. (3/1/12) *To the person who keeps sending all the weird anonymous emails to my internal address- could you possibly sort of stop doing that, please? It's a bit creepy, I don't actually think members of the public are supposed to do that- that's what Prime Minister's Question Time is for. I mean, i't's great you're taking an interest in politics! But if you could do it in a slightly less scary fashion, that'd be brilliant. (11/1/12) *More bonkers emails this morning- inbox's full of 'em! Absolutely flooded! Going to have to get IT guy up here to sort it out. [https://twitter.com/#%21/search/%23mysteryloony #'''mysteryloony] (2/2/12) *Again, if you are out there, person that's sending all these, seriously- do stop. Be'c'''ause I have no idea what you're on about. Sorry about the 'mystery loony' tag, but to be fair, you are quite mysterious, and you are, with all due respect, blatantly a loony. ot an expert, but I'd say it's about half a step from where you are to the sort of person you see in Tescos waving off imaginary birds. (2/2/12) *Look, I'd be the last person to say you shouldn't be expressing your ideas! Honestly, having an outlet for your creativity, I'm all for it! I just think that your particular brand of creativity, might be better suited to some sort of psyc'h'iatric out-patient clinic. Than my inbox. (2/2/12) *Reminds me of all that fuss a little while ago about that journalist bloke- anybody remember that? The one with that column. Funny story- I thought it was alright at first. Bit colander-on-the-head-'''i'sh but a pretty good read. I mean, everyone liked it, didn't they? But Her Nibs, oho, no, total bee in her bonnet about it! Fair dos, wasn't exactly painting her in a rosy light. Or me, as she pointed out. (2/2/12) *It was one week in particular that really got up her nose in the end. Can't remember what it was about but WOW did she go spare! Terrifying! Appare'n'''tly the whole 'free speech' thing doesn't really count if it's us they're saying nasty stuff about. I know! Very handy little fact! So she had me sign a few things, leant on a few people- her, that is, she's good at leaning- and that was it, finished. Shut it right down. (2/2/12) *Sad, really. Lot of people wondered what happened, all 'oh, where's the Companion got to this week?' 'Dunno, wonder if it's coming back?' Well, I can definitely tell you it's not coming back. Have 2 say I'm still not 100% sure what she got so worked up about, but there you are. Paper put a crossword puzzle in the space, but it's RUBBISH. Makes no sense! Anyway, speakin'g''' of puzzles, got 5mins to spare. Sudokube time! (2/2/12) *Turned round to head back and BAM. Right behind me, out of nowhere, there he wa's'. Hamster Bloke. [https://twitter.com/#%21/search/%23dundunduuuuun #'dundunduuuuun'] (2/3/12) *Anyway, yes, H'a'''mster Bloke! Remember, shifty customer, hobbies include digging in skips and sprinting like a maniac? That’s right, him! Have to say he was not in amazing shape. Loony eyes, mad hair, looked like he’d got into a fight with a can of tangerine spraypaint. Or maybe that’s just his usual look, who’s to say? Old ‘Rudolph Slippers’ Wheatley here’s not about to judge. So, there we were, just us, 2/3rds of a Mexican standoff. Awkward situation, particularly as I may or may not have screamed. Just a bit. Oi- someone pops up behind you looking like a zombie that’s been Tangoed all up one side, I’d like to see how well you hang on to your cool. (2/3/12) *Having said that, he did look fairly shaky, fairly wobbly in the leg department. Swaying. Third thing I noticed, that, about him. First thing, ob'v'iously, dodgy bright orange bits and possible undead status. Tied in first place, those two details. Second thing- quite a large detail, this one, major, attention-grabbing- he’d somehow managed to get hold of my wallet. Talk about nerve! Definitely mine, initials on and everything, plus big scuff from passe-muraille/Edith incident. Would know it anywhere. No idea how he got his mitts on it, suppose he must’ve used the fog. No easy feat, sneaking a trick like that past '''e'agle-eyed yrs. truly! (2/3/12) *So he’s just standing there, swaying, holding my wallet, and I’m standing there wondering if he’s actually Derren Brown sl'u'''mming it, & then- Suddenly- POW- he slings it at me and legs it while I’m still juggling. By the time I get my act together, he’s gone! Vanished, in the fog. Like a cormorant. (2/3/12) *It's like he was trying 2 tell me something- trouble is, no idea what. Sorry Hamster Bloke, if you're out there, I don't speak Loony. Sadly. (2/3/12) *RRRGHHH!! Can't STAND feeling thick. This is exactly why I hate cryptic crossword's''' so much. Bloody maddening! What was he trying to SAY? (2/3/12) *Right! Here we go. Secrets. What’s the absolute last thing I’d ever want anyone to know about? (10/6/12) *Know what you're thinking- 'what's all those little numbers got to do with anything?' Well, Twitter, that is an excellent question. All I know is, it turned up out the blue the other week- in my wallet of all places! Highly mysterious, clearly some sort of v. secret code. (10/6/12) *[https://twitter.com/#!/thebestPM @'thebestPM'] Simstars figured out your note - it's asking you to go to the southbound platform at Angel station at 1am on Sunday, apparently! (12/6/12) Other Mentions *Election Night *Forgive Me (shortfic) *Codebreaking 1 *Codebreaking 2 *Codebreaking 3 with solution *Pinali's solution tweet @thebestpm Reference *Thom Yorke Portrait by Paco Martinez Category:Characters